Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
